Dealing With Grief: Four Pieces of Advice From Personal Experience

Dealing with grief is a journey that we may all go through when we love someone. This article explores grief through my personal experience.

The Call You Never Forget

“John is gone.” This was the late-September phone call that changed my life. It was my husband’s brother, Don, whom he was visiting on the West Coast. I was in the midst of packing to go to Hong Kong and Korea. I stupidly said, “What do you mean—he’s gone?” Slowly and patiently, Don explained that my husband, who had been dealing with health issues, had died from the heart condition that had put him in hospital for several months that year.

John, a very determined man, had decided that since I was going to Asia, he would take the opportunity to visit old friends and take a road trip with his brothers. As his condition worsened during the trip, Don, a retired doctor, tried to get John to go to a hospital or, at the very least, get oxygen. In the end, John’s determination met the reality of his weakened heart.

What followed for me was initially a whirlwind of activity—tell the kids, cancel Asia, notify my contacts in Asia, and get the word out to business contacts. In a daze, I tried to make sense of the loss of someone who had been my life partner and business partner for almost 30 years. Tears came at night when I realized that I would never share the same bed with my partner again. Death is permanent, and there is no going back.

Getting Closure

That first week, I decided I needed to see John one last time. Somehow, it seemed that seeing him would make the death more real, so I travelled out West to the funeral home. Seeing John did not give me the closure I was seeking. At least, however, it made the reality of his death unmistakable.

As I navigated the days and months after this earth-shattering event, several people who had experienced a similar loss gave me advice that I would like to share with others who are experiencing their own grief.

Four Pieces of Advice to Deal With Grief

First, don’t stop working. We had recently sold our business and had planned to continue helping the new owners while exploring a less stressful life. After John’s death, the trips to the office became therapeutic for me. It was a relief to focus on something that didn’t have to do with funerals and paperwork to wrap up a life that seemed like it would never end.

Second, let yourself feel the pain and loss. Grief can be difficult to avoid, and giving yourself space to acknowledge your feelings can be an important part of the process. About a year later, I read a book about the brain and how it deals with grief. The author described how our brains form expectations around the people in our lives, helping us anticipate what will happen. When someone close to you dies, those expectations don’t disappear immediately. There is an absence where that person used to be. Over time, those patterns can change, but the process takes time.

Third, talk to people who have gone through the experience. Let them tell you about their journey. This was very painful but surprisingly hopeful. Friends and family who had experienced the loss of a spouse were willing to share their experiences, although we did have many tears together. Most people who have not experienced loss can be uncomfortable talking about death. Sharing with someone who had experienced a similar loss helped me enormously and also gave them a chance to reflect on how far they had come.

My most frequent question was, “How long will I feel this pain?” What I found was that there is no common answer. To a certain extent, it depends on the person and the situation. Many of the people I spoke with were still finding their way through the transition.

Fourth, pay attention to your health. When you are immersed in grief, it can be tempting to stop taking care of yourself. Whether you want to or not, life continues after a major loss. It is important to focus on both your physical and mental well-being. This can mean continuing to move your body, making space for your thoughts and feelings, and finding moments of connection and joy with the people who are still in your life. Personally, I found yoga, with its mind-body focus, to be a helpful activity for keeping my body moving and creating some calm.

The Storm of Grief

Recently, I was in a webinar with a life coach who talked about dealing with the loss of a loved one. He said that grief is like being in an intense storm on the ocean. The waves crash down on you, and you wonder if you can make it through. At first, they can come fast and hard, and the pain can feel overwhelming. Gradually, after some time, the waves may begin to ease and come less often. However, they can still return unexpectedly. The best way to deal with them may be to allow yourself to experience the feelings rather than trying to push them away.

It has been more than two years since that fateful phone call. John’s clothes are gone, his favourite art pieces have been sold, and the will has been finalized. The intense pain has subsided, but every once in a while, I remember and let myself cry and feel the empty space where John used to be.

Share your experience with grief. Would you add any other advice to my list of four?