Widowhood Five Years Later: What I Wish I Had Known

Nothing really prepares you for widowhood.

No matter what you imagine, reality is often more challenging than anticipated. Watching others go through it, you may feel as though they’re handling it more easily. But grief is deeply personal, and everyone’s journey is unique.

I had some time to prepare for my husband’s passing, as his health had been declining. Yet, John lived with such an unrestrained zest for life that part of me wondered if he might just outlive us all. But, as life goes, his time came before mine. Brain science tells us that our partners occupy a special, expansive place in our minds. So, when they’re gone, it leaves not only an emotional void but a literal space in our brain that once held them. But, in time, the space contracts and I learned that while this loss profoundly reshaped me, I could survive and even thrive.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned along the way:

Remake Your Self-Identity: Reimagining life without my husband was one of the hardest and most transformative parts of my journey. I realized I had strength I hadn’t tapped into before. No longer being part of a team, I had to find purpose as an individual. It’s lonely at times, but it’s also liberating. While John will always be part of me, I’ve found a strong, independent version of myself.
Prioritize Health and Well-being: The whirlwind around death can make us focus on others and leave self-care on the back burner. This period was a reminder for me to eat well, stay active, and seek support. Yoga and meditation became pillars in my life, helping me re-center and reshape my self-perception. Everyone’s path is different, but prioritizing well-being is essential.
Build a Supportive Community: Talking to other widows was one of the most healing actions I took. Sharing our experiences helped lift some of the heavy weight of grief. Family, friends, and even new acquaintances held me up and helped me rebuild. Creating Lifeshiift became my way to share this community, helping other women through similar transitions. Allowing people to support you is crucial; you don’t have to carry this alone.
Embrace Independence and Self-Reliance: Losing my sounding board made big decisions daunting, and taking over John’s roles around the house felt overwhelming. But, over time, I discovered that I could handle things I never expected. Gardening, once his domain, became a creative outlet that lets me honor him and continue to grow. You’ll find yourself doing things you never thought possible—and surprising yourself along the way.
Navigate Grief and Find Acceptance: Grief changes over time. It began as a wild storm but has gradually settled into more peaceful waves, though sometimes, even five years later, the grief surges and can be overwhelming. I’ve come to accept this as part of life and am thankful for the love I had. I’m also grateful for the person I’ve become through this journey, embracing a version of myself I never anticipated.

Widowhood reshapes us, often in ways we couldn’t have predicted. Finding new facets of independence, health, and community allows us to thrive despite loss. Acceptance, self-care, and connection with others guide us forward. Five years later, I’ve learned that widowhood doesn’t define us; it refines us. We can cherish what was, honor who we are now, and live a life that is both meaningful and beautifully ours.